CANADA:  This just in: the Canadian Forces do drugs just like all you other shmucks! The Canadian army’s latest blind drug testing report (a blind test, that is, not a test on soldiers with glaucoma) found that marijuana is the drug of choice, although cocaine is gaining in popularity. Should I make yet another Justin Trudeau pot joke? Should I recall Rob Ford’s crackhead moments? No, we don’t need to go there again.

Here are some of the report stats: 6.6 per cent of those tested were positive for at least one drug; the study detected the sticky icky in 5.3 per cent of all samples. Drug use was higher for non-commissioned members aged 27 years or younger.

The numbers seem high, but let’s compare them to the statistics for average Canadian teenagers. According to the Cross-Canada Report on Student Alcohol and Drug Use, 17-32 per cent (range based on different provinces) of Canadians in grades 7 through 12 reported using cannabis within the past year. 2-5 per cent reported using cannabis daily or almost daily. Considering army recruiters often hang out around high schools, it’s safe to say they’re doing a pretty good job of weeding out the drug users from their selection. Clearly, drug users are going on to university where pot is chill, drool-inducing ketamine is a rite of passage, and Adderall is the ticket to success. Perhaps this is what Aristotle meant when he wrote of virtue.