Stoned at Church

I don’t normally get high before going to church, but I had just come from a business meeting about weed, so naturally I smoked weed. I’m not a real religious person, but I attend services regularly because I get to see my pretty 22 year-old daughter. Since she moved away to an evangelical Christian college on the eastside of Seattle, it’s pretty much the only time I can see her. So I go to church, and usually the two of us go to lunch after service. I meet her at our usual pew and I look in her eyes to see if she can see that I’m higher than the overhead teleprompters.  Somehow she always knows, but I pray she doesn’t give me that disappointed look.

Just then the entire congregation jumps to its feet, singing joyful, modern Christian rock songs to a real life boy band – complete with tight skinny jeans and Justin Beiber hair styles. Sometimes I secretly lust after the lead singer, wondering how much he sins, although I’m pretty sure I’m the one that’ll be going to hell.

Once we are all filled with the holy spirit and directed to be seated, our young pastor launches into his first prayer.  He prays that people with suffering in their bodies, finances, and relationships will all be healed today. Since I’m good in those areas, I pray: “God, please protect my plants from spider mites and powdery mildew. And please find me some affordable LED grow lights for next crop.” I look around the congregation and see that many of my fellow parishioners are truly suffering, and immediately I feel guilty for troubling God for weed products. There are sick and dying people here. Could my medical marijuana help any of them?

The pastor then informs us that our sermon today is on “Being of Service.” God it seems is really speaking to me now. I want to grab the woman next to me and say, “I have something in my trunk that can shrink your cancer tumors.” But instead, people in our immediate vicinity, including my daughter, puts ‘hands’ on this woman in prayer. I believe in prayer. But more than that, I believe that God created cannabis to heal people. It is God’s will. And it is just what I intend to do.